Queer by Choice?


This lesbian in The Atlantic says she was not "born this way", and it's nobody's business:

"In direct opposition to both the mainstream gay movement and Lady Gaga, I would like to state for the record that I was not born this way."


  1. Dan
    Posted September 15, 2011 at 12:00 pm | Permalink

    At least she's honest in that it's her choice. And I must confess...I admire her for dissing Lady BlahBlah. ;)

    I disagree with this assertion though:
    "...some of the only people who don't think gays and lesbians are set in our ways from birth are the right-wing fundamentalists who want to "fix" us. They frequently claim that the reason we turn to the queer side in the first place is because our animal lust gets the better of us.

    First, I've never heard that "claim" myself and, since she runs in different circles, I'm not sure where she would be hearing it "frequently" either. The "frequent claim" is that many cases of homosexual attraction are attributed to various psyche-influencing factors in one's childhood.

    Secondly, as far as wanting to "fix" you... Hey, at the end of the day, we all do as we want, right? And listen, it's your soul at stake so if you don't care to fight it, that's your prerogative. Just don't try to force upon the rest of society this notion that homosexual sex is "good, normal and equivalent" when natural laws dictate it is not and never can be.

  2. Barb
    Posted September 15, 2011 at 2:41 pm | Permalink

    Like many lesbians, the writer is more than a little sexist in her attitudes toward men, not to mention hypocritical.

    She claims to have a more objective view of gender roles than others, yet seems stuck in her own perception of gender roles.

    She claims her decision to partner with a woman is not about sex, then turns around and claims she likes sex better with women.

    Overall, she seems to be mighty impressed with herself, while holding a lot of biased ideas about "others."

    I, for one, have no desire to "fix" her, and I believe I'm in the majority. She can live how she chooses (her word, not mine). Her r-ship is not the same as mine, however. Not necessarily better or worse. Just different. And it's not marriage.

  3. Ash
    Posted September 15, 2011 at 4:15 pm | Permalink

    I agree with Barb that the author is impressed with herself, and sexist. She spouts that tripe about "male privilege" and how men have been reared with "entitlement."


    She's also trying to make the case that being gay is not necessarily equal to being straight, but better in almost every way! Hmmmm....

    She came across to me as a person who wanted to yap about their personal life and beliefs, under the cloak of a broader, more meaningful message.

  4. Heidi
    Posted September 15, 2011 at 4:58 pm | Permalink

    Having read the majority of the comments to the original article, I am relieved and reassured that the majority of those commenting easily understand that the author is bisexual, not lesbian. And if that is the case, she most certainly WAS born that way. I am bisexual and in a relationship with another woman. I didn't choose to be bisexual anymore than she choose to be gay. Neither of us chose to fall in love. But we most certainly choose every day to stay that way. The author of the article needs to learn what the "B" in LGBT really means.

  5. catholicdad
    Posted September 15, 2011 at 8:07 pm | Permalink

    Let';s not forget the "Q"'s now, Heidi.

    And the alphabet soup is soon to include "P" for polygamy, and God help us, probably more.

  6. j. fox
    Posted September 15, 2011 at 8:34 pm | Permalink

    In an odd sort of way she's admitting she at least knows the difference between right and wrong..

  7. Little man
    Posted September 17, 2011 at 3:03 am | Permalink

    We are all bi-sexual. Its just a matter of how crude we want to live our lives. The in-between human is a hermaphrodite. No one has shown homosexuality is not a behavior. People have liberty of behavior up to a certain point, as defined by law. But trying to redefine civil marriage is not a private matter. It is a political and public matter. And is for everyone to debate, decide, and vote accordingly.

    Same sex marriage might become accepted in New Hampshire as law, and then revoked. Don't confuse the right of privacy, with the right to vote your value system, and the right to exercise your religion.

  8. P. Edward Murray
    Posted September 18, 2011 at 6:26 am | Permalink

    How do we learn? By repeating things over and over again which can include reading etc. And what happens? Science tells us that new pathways are set up in the brain...molecular pathways. Essentially we are talking molecular biochemical changes.

    Because these changes are real they can be changed again.

    Interestingly enough, if one Googles The Science NY Times, one can find in the archives in 2007 artilces on how both Fruit Fly and Mouse Sexual Identities were changed and changed back.

    Now biologists use both species to test new drugs etc.

    And Mice are Mammals just like we are....

    So the question is not just if we are born a certain way but how we act. How people choose to behave is just as or maybe more important!

  9. Paul Cook-Giles
    Posted September 18, 2011 at 9:24 pm | Permalink

    Best lines from the article: "The "born this way" argument is frequently used in defense of gay rights, but whether or not I deserve the same rights as straight people has nothing to do with whether I chose to be the way I am. I deserve equal rights because I'm an equal. I'm a human being sharing my life with the person I love. The life I have now is not something I ended up with because I had no other options. Make no mistake -- it's a life I chose."

  10. Marty
    Posted September 18, 2011 at 10:15 pm | Permalink

    "whether or not I deserve the same rights as straight people has nothing to do with whether I chose to be the way I am. I deserve equal rights because I'm an equal."

    Yes you're an equal -- an equal half. But two halves don't always make a whole -- sometimes it takes two opposite halves.

    You wouldn't wear a pair of left shoes...

  11. KJH
    Posted September 18, 2011 at 10:31 pm | Permalink

    The comments on this article are some of the most ill-informed and ignorant notions about what a lesbian is and what we do or think. "Most lesbians are sexist toward men"...???!!! What??? That's so not true. That is a stereotype that is just as bad as any other prejudiced thought/belief. I am lesbian and queer (there's a difference folks), and I assure you that I have great relationships with men and my parents. My dad (RIP) is still my hero. I don't hate men. Have I experienced a lot of sexism from men toward me as a woman or girl through out my life? Yes. Absolutely. But I'm not sexist or hateful toward them. Furthermore, it doesn't matter whether or not I was born lesbian/queer. That debate is a distraction from the gross inequalities toward LGBTQIP(for intersex, polyamorous and pansexual) folks and families in this country: the United States of America where separate is NOT equal. Please reconsider, then, your homophobic, trans-phobic, and bi-phobic comments. I urge you to educate yourselves. You can even ask me questions. As an educator (yes, I'm a teacher and a good one, too) and future mom, I assure you that you will be in a safe, compassionate space to learn. That's what Jesus would do, right? Let's dialogue and listen.

    @Heidi: Well said! Bi-invisibility is pandemic and unacceptable.

    Thank you,


  12. Donna
    Posted September 18, 2011 at 10:37 pm | Permalink

    I've seen a lot of women who were married, raised a family and then decided they were lesbians and loved a women. STRANGE!! What I seen with these women was that they decided they were liberated and didn't like men. One women I knew was a widow and dating men when I 1st ment her and then the next thing I knew she was a lesbian. So I believe its a choice they make to make their lives easier. I lived in an abusive marriage for 24 yrs. After I left I remember someone asking me If I hated men. I said, that was just one man. There not all bad. I remember when I was in the abusive marriage, thinking that I'd rather be a man, because they had it so much easier, but that thought did not make me becime a lesbian. I am very happily married. Living together can be hard, but I Love my husband and being married. My belief in God and his truths are what I live by.

  13. James Montgomery
    Posted September 19, 2011 at 3:11 am | Permalink

    A hormone imbalance maybe but hey if you hone a child push and coheres and touch and read show pornography and brain wash yes you can say It was given that choice ....HMMMMMM ? not sure about that ! I'd say No at most point's in a choice or birth !

  14. Sherri
    Posted September 19, 2011 at 8:05 am | Permalink

    Of course it's a choice. God would NEVER condemn someone for a genetic (non-choice) situation. Homosexuality is a heart issue.

  15. C Warren
    Posted September 19, 2011 at 11:01 pm | Permalink

    The problem seems to be most people find it difficult to discuss same gender marriage without digressing into a debate on homosexuality. As someone previously commented, regardless of how or why they got started, they choose to continue. Accept that and focus on the fact that same gender relationships are inconsistent and incompatible with the American marriage paradigm.

  16. Gloria
    Posted September 20, 2011 at 2:21 am | Permalink

    I saw a video of a young man whom was dying of aids, as his parents discussed of their sons words of how he became caught up in the gaye crowd, as he himself became a part of.... He goes on to explain to his parents, the very lonely person he became, and the darkness that came upon him living this life style!
    Many believe that this is not a choice!! I pray for those whom are living this life style, that the Lord will open up their eyes, and deliver them from this lie of the enemy!! For you do not know the time , nor the day, when your time is to die! Seek God with all your heart mind & soul.... For that is where you will find peace.... eternal life!! Bless you....

  17. Faye
    Posted September 20, 2011 at 11:53 am | Permalink

    When G-d tells you NOT to do something,

    this means that there's some element of choice involved.